The Value of Disagreement: End The Echo, Part 1
How your inner circle can help you grow or cause you to stall.
This is Part 1 of a two-part series. Read Part 2: Staying Curious in The Algorithm Age.
While there are certainly many lessons that can and will be learned from COVID-19, one we can all easily agree on is how important friends are. I, and I’m sure many others, can too easily take for granted how valuable these relationships are, and to have them so suddenly disappear behind state lockdowns and webcams brings this mistake to the forefront of our minds as we struggle to stay connected and battle abject loneliness. It’s a lesson I think we have learned, but not the only one that I hope we find a way to learn together. Relationships offer us not just companionship, joy, struggle, laughter, loss, and love; they offer us the opportunity to build unity. We can choose to either build a circle of hearts and voices that challenges our beliefs and worldview, bringing us closer together through our differences; or we can build a group of friends and influences that offer us nothing but echoes and reflections. A group limited by ignorance, or detachment, impenetrable by anyone who doesn’t think the same way. The kinds of groups that breed tribalism, division, and mistrust, which are as much our enemy as any virus could ever be.
I have a dear friend named Hebert. Our friendship is built upon shared interests like soccer and hip-hop, as well as half a lifetime of hardship and growth, pain and joy. We’ve in many ways grown up together. One of things we’ve learned over the years as we’ve grown into close friends is that it’s easy to begin a friendship; what is difficult is building them. It’s difficult to take conversations about weather, sports, and HBO, and turn them into conversations about politics, theology, passions, dreams, and vision. Outside of our shared interests, our backgrounds can be quite contrasting, and as a result, so are our political views. I was born and raised in Michigan. Hebert was born in Brazil and immigrated to the US in middle school. Our family lives were different, our education was different, in as many ways that we are alike, there are more differences. Without trying to force fit labels, since none would be accurate on their own, I tend to lean right, Hebert leans left. We have quite different ideas about almost every hot button political issue. Guns, healthcare, education, taxes, and immigration are frequently debated, sometimes more intensely than others. Whenever a relationship takes a step from conversations about “The Voice”, to conversation’s about tax reform or core beliefs, you have reached a fork in the journey. The choice is to either retreat or go forward in the relationship. Many of these types of conversations between people who disagree so much about such explosive topics can easily result in hurt feelings, and lost relationships, even with family members. They can also result in immense personal growth, and an expansion of both people’s worldview, an expansion and a connection that shatters tribes, and reshapes them into families. Through Hebert and I’s sloppy intellectual struggles, I have learned much, my belief system has been challenged and shifted, but most importantly, I have learned the immense value of empathy and respect.
If you asked me to describe my emotional state since the COVID-19 saga started to make itself felt here in the US, I would say it has been bouncing erratically between levels of concern. A concern shared by our entire country. We as a nation are concerned about our health, and the health of the most vulnerable among us. We are concerned about the impending economic destruction, and how each of us will be affected. We’re concerned about our nation’s leadership, on a national and local level. All of these concerns are important and valid. Perhaps, this sense of concern, and uncertainty, driven by the pandemic's devastating impact, and the erratic nature of our current situation, is one of the drivers behind what feels like the intensification of online conversation. A conversation which has always been a raging inferno, but anecdotally felt as if it were doused with gasoline around 2016 or so, and given a shot of napalm in early 2020. But if you asked me to say what is the most concerning thing, I would say it is what feels like a widespread decision, or instinct, to forsake the ability to disagree with someone, and not hate them, to have our beliefs challenged.
“The beginning of thought is in disagreement - not only with others but also with ourselves.” - Eric Hoffer
It’s very easy to imagine your political opposition as a comic book movie villain. These villains are commonly criticized as thin characters, simply evil for evil’s sake, not motivated by anything real, anything human. That caricature is only reinforced every day in most news media we consume. We picture the “other side” meeting in a secret lair, planning their next dastardly scheme. We’re frequently told “the left” wants this, “the right” is trying to do this to you, as if the complex and diverse ideology of 175 million people can be easily truncated into two opposing teams. This trap is one I quickly fell into, and still do if I let my vigilance falter. What I discovered, through challenging and sharpening my own ideas in conversations with Hebert, and from the many competing voices he has helped expose me to, is that the vast majority of people, across the entire political spectrum, are well-intentioned, good people, who are interested in doing the most good, but have arrived at vastly different conclusions about how to accomplish that most good. But the second we stop seeing this, the second we stop giving each other the benefit of that doubt, we are leaning over the precipice. There are of course bad actors out there. There will always be those who see an opportunity in others hardship, those who for many reasons have given their hearts over and can only destroy others. But if you believe that all who do not see the world the same as you are these, you need a heart check. It’s the same heart check we all need regularly, lest we become part of the problem. There’s a pertinent quote from John Jay, the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, and one of the very early abolitionists, who wrote some of the Federalist Papers.
“Distrust naturally creates distrust, and by nothing is good will and kind conduct more speedily changed.” - John Jay (The Federalist Papers #5)
There are very complex national conversations to be had about the correct policy prescriptions for specific problems, conversations and questions that may even reach to the proper scope of our government, or what are the character traits appropriate to a leader. We also now face an unprecedented, devastating, and difficult crisis that will likely have ramifications for our children and grandchildren with COVID-19. It’s a crisis fraught with pitfalls that we must avoid. We’ve not even regained our balance after taking a haymaker punch to the jaw, and we must somehow find a way to stay standing, recover, and walk forward. It’s the type of crisis requiring national unity, a concept that was already fading before this virus, and feels ever more fleeting now. How deeply sad is it then, to see how many have chosen to respond with attack, vitriol, and untruth. How deeply sad to see so many reject the idea that we are in this together, and pound the wedge of division deeper with every keystroke.
So what can we do? What should we do? How best can we be part of the glue, and not the wedge? Two of the many important pieces of creating and maintaining a healthy worldview, are voices, and hearts. Without both voices to challenge us, and hearts that we connect with, we can easily become trapped in an echo chamber of our own creation, fueled by narcissism, stripped of valuable virtues like humility and grace, destined to intellectually rot in a prison we have constructed for ourselves. Let’s look at some practical ideas more closely, but first, how can we look inward? If your natural response to the type of challenge I am presenting here is defensiveness, or whataboutism, you are completely missing it. It’s so important for each of us to grasp that our first responsibility, our first duty, is to our own hearts and behavior, and hypocrisy withers a person’s soul. Around 2000 years ago, there was a man called The Apostle Paul, who spent his entire life building bridges with people all over the world, and teaching people healthy principles to apply to their lives. In one letter, which he wrote to his friends who lived in Rome, he outlines a prescription.
“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. “ - Saul of Tarsus (Romans 12:14-17)
Paul writes here a difficult challenge to be humble, to give grace, and to be empathetic to each other. If two people, no matter how diametrically opposed, both find the willingness to accept that there are things they do not know, could not know, the first barrier to relationship and discourse is already removed. Now if two people can both choose to extend grace to the human flaws that all of us have, the walls are crumbling. Now imagine, two people empathize with each other, that is to truly understand and share the feelings, and perspective, of the other person. Now the barrier isn’t just gone, you have the beginnings of a connection, a relationship. This is how we find hearts to connect with, as I wrote earlier. This is such a beautiful and powerful idea that is so incredibly difficult to practice. We are so naturally focused on our own world, our own circle, what is comfortable and familiar. To truly empathize with someone who might be so outside of that comfort, to build a real bridge, requires vulnerability. It requires sacrifice. It requires effort. It requires more than a Facebook comment, or a shared article or video. How much different would our national conversation around complex sensitive issues be if even a few made this effort? What if that number began to grow? It’s undoubtedly a naive, yet beautiful, thought, in a time that feels so dark for us all. Maybe some naive thought is just what is needed.
These types of connections, that is real relational connections, are what truly change hearts and minds. Not just changing ideology, not just finding the compromises and bridges that can and must be built, but changing lives in practical ways. Your neighbor who voted for Hillary is also a father, husband, son. Perhaps your co-worker who wears a red hat is someone whose job became the latest casualty of COVID-19. Or even worse, perhaps they lost a loved one. An act as simple as a phone call, to check in, can mean so much more than the effort it requires. Sit across the driveway from a lonely neighbor. Buy groceries for the elderly woman in apartment 2B. Find those ways to build connections, build community with each other, a relationship is an opportunity to extend whatever hand you are capable of, and help each other, in a time when so many, far too many, will need it.
What about voices? True change, built on relationships, happens at a local level, but it is still very important to have experts and leaders with wider reach. We, as citizens, should follow, respectfully engage with, pray for, these voices. Many of them will fail to meet a standard. They are only human. We are responsible for our voice, and our vote. These voices and votes will be different from many of our neighbors. These voices and votes are different between many of our friends. The goal of this type of unity is not unity of thoughts and ideas, the goal is that we would see each other; see each other’s experiences, pains, dreams, and beliefs, and respect them in each other. If unity, humility, and respect are given from both sides of an issue, we can find what common ground there is to bring the most good, to the most people. Even in those few issues where common ground cannot be found, with unity, and respect, comes compromise. What is so important, to avoid the peril of ideological echo, and confirmation bias, is that we craft a news feed, and a circle of friends, that informs and challenges us. A Pew Research study from 2016 found that 76% of Americans tend to turn to the same news sources. The same study which found that 74% of Americans believe news media sources favor one side or the other. The charge of crafting a news feed which challenges you rests solely on your own shoulders. You know where you stand, what you believe, follow some people who are thought leaders in those areas. But then also follow some people who post things that push you, a nudge or an outright shove, off of your defensive positions. Follow people from different sectors, different expertise, different voices. Follow politicians, athletes, writers, reporters, pastors, just people, from a wide range of sources, backgrounds, beliefs, and styles. Make your news feed input diverse enough that it’s at times uncomfortable. My only universal standard is that they be intellectually honest. If you follow the steps above you will be able to separate the voices who are struggling to find and share truth, from the partisan truth benders and the snake oil salesman looking to make a buck. These people are not the voices we need.
One of the ways Hebert and I accomplish this is “February Follows”. We are both very active twitter users, and a couple Februaries ago, Hebert presented the idea that we share 5 twitter accounts for the other person to follow that would challenge us, that would break up the echo in our Twitter feed. The only rule was you must follow them for the entire month. It was pretty remarkable in practice. Some voices Hebert had me follow were more uncomfortable than others. Some of them I unfollowed after the month. But crucially, there are many I still follow to this day. Voices I didn’t know existed, with profound, and challenging thoughts that helped to, at a minimum, open my mind to another perspective, and at best, shifted my own views. Even if you aren’t a Twitter user, I encourage you to try this with some of your friends and family who sit across the aisle from you. (Maybe even new hearts you have connected with?) You could do this on Facebook, Twitter, really any social media or news feed. Let someone who you disagree with, give you voices you wouldn’t normally hear, that can help broaden your view.
Personally, the thought of getting stuck in place, or ceasing to grow and change as a person is terrifying. I think of the person that I was 5, 10, or more years ago and think about now, and see steps, many small steps, of personal growth. Most importantly, thanks in part to friends like Hebert, steps towards empathy for fellow men and women who I disagree with, or don’t understand. It’s these steps that are so crucial for us as a nation to take, in these times more than ever. Steps towards humility, grace, empathy, respectful disagreement, and love. Even if our leaders won’t lead with these steps, each single one of us, has a family, a circle, a community to lead in. Will you take that step with me?
Cory Knuth
Cory is a husband, father, occasional writer, and member of the very first End Prejudice Circle.